Monday, November 22, 2010

United Airlines - That's gonna cost extra....

Every airline is different.  Some are very proper and wear fancy uniforms, some just wear a polo shirt and call it good.  Some allow you to pick your own seat as you board, some strictly regulate and charge different prices for different seats.  Some consider a bag of pretzels a suitable meal for an 8 hour flight while others serve two full meals in the same time span. 

I'm pretty sure that United has found every possible way to charge for "options" as you travel with them.  It all starts as you check in.

First, would you like to check a bag?  Ok that will be $25 for the first one and $35 for the second.  Oh, wait you have a third bag.... $100 sounds good.  Now, please wait as we measure and weigh your bags.... oops that will be another $100 because it is too heavy.

Do you want to bring your pet?  Well, we have a strict policy that no short nosed dogs are allowed.  (not kidding)  So please leave your Boston Terrier home.

You don't want to even bring your baggage to the airport?  Well, United will ship it for you at the very reasonable price of $99!  They may not even smash it all to hell like usual.

For $349 you can avoid baggage fees for an entire year!

Did you notice that there was a little red carpet when you checked in?  Did you want to stand on it?  Well, that actually costs $9.  It is called "Premier Line" and it is rumored to make other people envy you, so it's a small price to pay.

For $47 you can make people envy you even longer as you get to use a little red carpet as you board the plane before everyone else.  Then you can sit as all the poor people board after you and fight over carry on bag space in the overhead bins.  You can enter the "Red Carpet Club" an enjoy their lounge for only $39 more.

Have you ever noticed that some seats have a couple extra inches of leg room?  You can buy your way into those seats if you want and it will only cost you $9.  They call it "Economy Plus".

Would you like to have some food?  Well, that will cost you more.... actually anywhere from $3 up to use the "Choice Menu".  Thirsty? $7 will get you a nice cold beer.

The folks at United are obviously really smart, but they have overlooked one very important option.  This one would be a gold mine actually.  You know when you are sitting at the gate before the plane is boarded... you look over and you see someone who is obviously way too big for any airplane seat and clearly hasn't showered recently.  You immediately think, "damn I hope I don't get stuck next to that person". 

Well, I propose that for a reasonable fee you can guarantee that you won't get stuck next to fat smelly people. 

No flight would be complete without a Safety Briefing so please see the card below for details.